Death of a Churchboy

If you do a quick Google search on the “significance of ten years,” AI will quickly provide the synopsis:

A 10-year period, or decade, is a major milestone signifying a complete cycle of change, reflecting substantial personal growth, maturity, and long-term commitment.

On this weekend ten years ago, I began sharing my life of faith and what eventually became the unraveling of many things I had been taught or practiced from my earliest memories as a child to that point in my life. I tried to put into words how I could simply no longer accept ideas and practices that had just been handed down to me I had previously willingly not only believed, but also taught, preached, and promoted to indoctrinate and lead others along that path. From 2016 to 2020, I shared my questions and doubts, my fears and remorse, and what became my anger towards a system I could just no longer have faith and believe in. In 2020, and due to that anger, my eyes were opened to the realization I had become just as fanatical and dogmatic against the world I had once been in as I had been for it while a part of it. At that time, oddly enough on the very same weekend which I began in 2016 and which I now sit and share today, I shared what would be my final post until sitting here today. So, what has changed in the last six years? Quite simply . . . life.

Since 2020, I’ve hit the half-century mark, there’s been two high school graduations for our household, one college graduation, we’ve said goodbye to four of the five parents who raised us, I left a job of eight and half of years to return to work with a man I always wanted to work beside once again (however, that was short-lived), and am now in a position I swore I would never be in again managing and leading people. During this time period, I’ve allowed myself to explore many things I once considered taboo or off-limits, and not only have they made me a better husband, father, and man, they’ve allowed me to step deeper into many of the beliefs I was trying to walk away from without having the entanglements of other people’s judgments and forced practices attached to them.

The first change is meditation. Something I was once afraid of as I had always associated it with a sort of spiritual trance and opening oneself up to the spirit world has become a daily practice. I’ve learned that to meditate is simply to stop and breathe and to observe your thoughts without judging them as good or bad, holy or evil. It’s a time to simply allow yourself to just be without the hurried pace of always having to do or rush. It’s calmed my mind and taught me to live in the moment.

The second influence in my life has become mainstream rock music. As shared in previous posts, the churchboy world was one that did not allow secular music and listened only to Christian music. In that world, I always had a bent towards the edgier, aggressive side, but I would always have to be sure the lyrics were uplifting or holy or mentioned God or cited scripture. I’ve since left all those beliefs behind and have found much more freedom and blatant honesty as bands sing about their monsters being real, symptoms of being human, having a reason to fight, and how sometimes darkness can show the light. These are all ideas as a churchboy I would have never openly admitted but when I heard them being sung about, they resonated with what’s inside of me.

The third and final influencing factor in my life since 2020, has become the study of philosophy, specifically Stoicism. At the end of 2022, I entered a bookstore searching for a book I could read on a daily basis that would inspire, motivate, and challenge me but would not be based on scripture or any religious teaching. I stumbled upon The Daily Stoic from Ryan Holiday and since that time have read nearly a dozen additional books on the topic. What I found in Stoicism is that its four core virtues are no different than the life I am seeking to live and, much like the themes I found in rock music, resonated with what I felt internally. These virtues are: Courage, Discipline, Justice, and Wisdom. What better principles could a life be built upon?

So, after not writing for six years, why would I take the time to do so now? I simply wanted to share one definitive final post with the intention of it being the final post. When I put the blog aside previously, I really did not think I would be completely done, but I can honestly say I am now. The past ten years have been quite a journey, and I would not change a thing that has happened during that time, or, I can finally say now, during the life I lived prior as a churchboy. Every event in my life has led me and shaped me to where I am now. The year 2022 was a transformative year in my life. It was the year I said goodbye to mom, the year I left my long-time job to return working with a former employer, the year I left that employer in a short time than I anticipated, the year I discovered Stoicism, the year I buried the churchboy as evidenced by the ink I bear on my arm, and the year I discovered a rock band which had been around for nearly twenty years at that point which put into words many of the struggles and thoughts I had myself, Shinedown. It was one of their latest singles, Searchlight, that prompted me to finally sit down and put these final thoughts down.

From the end of the first verse:

No one taught me how to let go, been hangin’ by a thread on a tightrope

And you can’t speak what you don’t know, that’s for sure

To the end of the second verse:

No one taught me how to let go, been hangin’ by a thread on a tightrope

But you can still learn what you don’t know, that’s for sure

Ultimately, to the final lines of the hook:

I know you had a plan, but that’s not who I am

I don’t know where I’ll land, but I don’t need your searchlight to see anymore

I have not abandoned my faith. It’s gotten stronger and the things I believe I can now call mine. I still read The Daily Stoic on a daily basis, along with daily readings from Henri Nouwen, Richard Rohr, Leo Tolstoy, Peter Drucker, and Stephen Covey. I am a better person for the journey I’ve traveled, and my hope is it seen and experienced by those I’m around and I share life with.

Rocky, ChurchboyNoMore